So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
