i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
