My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
