I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need water and some morals
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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