I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
