So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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