the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
