Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
