So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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