I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
