True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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