i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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