they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize