rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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