so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
