She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
