tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
