My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
