i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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