Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
