I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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