Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
