he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
