Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
