Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He shit in the fireplace
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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