I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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