My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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