She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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