Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
