Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
