I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
