I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
