I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
