Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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