sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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