we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
