When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
