Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
