he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We had sex on a dog bed..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
