Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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