Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
