it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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