its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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