watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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