Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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