she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
