I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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