saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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