Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
