he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Someone came in the potted fern
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
